Monday, August 01, 2011

{things that are not as they seem}

the thing about life is that you can only take about 35% of what you see at face value. maybe quite possibly less. which, if you think about it long enough, will drive you crazy and make you a paranoid freak, like me.

so here: whet your proverbial soon-to-be unreasonably suspicious whistle. i have compiled a small sampling of the things that are not as they seem. if you'd rather think about pretty things, click here instead.

1. that upbeat-sounding bee gees song that usually happens in a movie during a happy part

the thing about this song is that it sounds happy, because nobody knows the words. we all just mumble a lot and then sing the two words that we know.

it's actually kind of depressing.

{exhibit a: verse 1}
                well you can tell by the way i use my walk, i'm a woman's man--no time to talk
                i like my music loud, my women warm, i've been kicked around since i was born
                and now it's alright, it's okay, and you may look the other way
                and we can try to understand the new york times' effects on man

{exhibit b: the chorus}
                whether you're a brother or whether you're a mother you're staying alive, staying alive
                feel the city breaking and everybody's shaking but we're staying alive, staying alive

{exhibit c: the bridge}
                life going nowhere, somebody help me, yeah
                life going nowhere, somebody help me, yeah

just to make sure, i sat down at the piano one day and played it slowly and with a lot of feeling. sure enough: it's really a very sad song.

2. the mocha coconut blended frappuccino from starbucks

ever since starbucks started making these things, everyone i know has been recommending them to me. and i mean, they sound fantastic. and i'm one of those people who don't drink pop, but feel like anything coffee is probably not that bad for me.

but diiiiiid youuuu knowwww...

a sugary monster lurks beneath the cream-peaked mountain atop this masterpiece. yes, i'm about to be that annoying nutrition geek that ruins a good thing for you.

550 calories
18 grams of fat
89 grams of sugar

that's like drinking two cans of coke and then eating a piece of cake.

3. your bed {grosses me out}

i can't even tell you all you need to know about your bed. if you're going to be a paranoid freak about anything, pick to be a paranoid freak about your bed. it's disgusting. your mattress gains 10-20 pounds over its lifetime because of dust mites and their dust mite-y poop.

there's a nifty article on that here. it will thoroughly disgust you and you'll probably want to sleep standing up for the rest of your life. i know i do.

that's all i have for now. i mean, there are a plethora of things to be paranoid about, but it just occurred to me that maybe you enjoy your naivety. maybe you like your music happy, your drinks sweet, and your bed clean.

well, okay.