Thursday, October 13, 2011

{the thing that is worse than being in a waiting room}

the thing that is worse than being in a waiting room is being in a waiting room for a long time, and the thing that is worse than that is being in a waiting room for a long time while you have to pee.

i decide this.
i cross my legs.
that does not help.
why would it?
i uncross my legs.
i hold my breath which, incidentally, just makes me feel worse.

a man sits down beside me. he smells like a cigarette--i don't mean he smells like he's had a cigarette. i mean he smells like he is a cigarette.

a 267 lb cigarette with a beard and a ball cap.

i hold my breath.

shortly after my lungs turn black, the receptionist calls my name. i blow a smoke ring shaped like a doughnut and follow her back into the maze of examining rooms.

i wait some more. a lady walks past my examining room and pokes her head in. "the wait is the worst part, isn't it?" she asks. i can tell she had to wait. she's unhappy.

i say, "yes. especially when you have to go to the bathroom."

she swears and laughs and goes back to her room.

there is a tongue depressor on the floor by the garbage can. at this moment, there is nothing else grosser than that. a used tongue depressor on an examining room floor. i imagine picking it up and throwing it away. i stick my hands in my pockets.

there is a head dent on the "sanitary" paper on the examining table.

a head dent.

that is grosser.

i decide this.

if the doctor wants me to sit on the examining table, he's going to have to change that paper.