Thursday, November 03, 2011

{where i've been}

one day, i went for a walk. there were birds and leaves and only a little wind and friendly neighbours and there was sun and lots of other things. when it's like that, when everything around you is nice and fine and there is no having to think, "i'm too cold," or, "i'm too hot," or, "i'm in a sketchy neighbourhood and my life is in imminent danger," your mind is mostly free to do lots of other thinking. 
so i started thinking about all the things i should do today. from that little email i have to answer, to those plans i made with that one person, to the dirty dishes in the sink and the latest episode of the tv show i've been watching lately that i missed last night but can watch online if i want to. this, inevitably, caused me to think about time.

so i was thinking about time and all the things that had happened so far in my little timeline and all the things that could still happen in the time i had left and i was thinking about that particular day's time and how much of it there was in comparison to how many things needed to be done in it. and i was thinking about how you can't go back, only forward, and how much it was like tetris, the game where you needed to stack every block perfectly in the right nook or cranny so that all of the blocks didn't pile up to the top of the screen and flash at you and make that horrible sheep-bleating noise that meant that you lost because you couldn't handle all of the things that came down at you. and i was thinking about how some days felt like level one and some days felt like level nine. you know, speed-wise.

i pictured time as a horse and me as myself {obviously} and the horse sometimes walking slowly along, me walking beside it holding it by its mane, and the horse sometimes galloping along as fast as the wind with me flailing along behind it hanging on by the hair of its tail, the tetris blocks falling all around me and me letting them land wherever, the day rapidly coming to a close as everything piled up and piled up and piled up.

i became indignant at the thought of being controlled so severely by the invisible, charging horse. 

i sat down, in the middle of the street. i tried to pull up the pavement and dig to china. i stood up and began walking backwards.

i ran. i couldn't see where i was going. that's why they generally advise you to run forwards, i suppose.

i stumbled over a tree stump and fell off the end of the earth.

and, i guess, that's where i've been for the past little while. 
sorry about that. i'll float back down when i can.