Sunday, January 01, 2012

{so this is the new year...and i have no resolution}

i'm not good at the whole new year thing. i'm overly sentimental and emotionally sticky. i think about the year that is rapidly charging to a close and how fast it went and how i've only got, like, 76 of those left. and that's if i live to be 100. that's if the house doesn't burn down with me in it, or if i don't get hit by a 16 year-old in a car that goes faster than he or she can handle while i'm crossing the street, or if the turbulence doesn't actually ever bring the plane down. i'm not scared of being physically dead, but the whole process of getting there kind of freaks me out. especially if i haven't done anything worthwhile on my way.

but the point really isn't that. i just always end up on morbid rabbit trails whenever i think about the future. or the lack there-of. sorry.

the point, though you probably couldn't tell, is that i don't, i never actually come out and make new year resolutions out loud, but subconsciously i think i've always made some sort of hybrid resolution/expectation. new year expectrolutions, if you will. {or even if you won't.} this year x will happen. this year will be more x. this year is going to be x.

like, one time in my life, x equalled getting engaged and married, and it happened. it was quick and it was according to plan and it was good. and like, sometimes x has equalled a change of job, scenery, living situation. and it's happened, and it's been good.

i guess the whole system could be good, you know, motivating and encouraging if i had absolute control over, you know, everything. and if i actually knew what was best for me. if this and that and whatever.

but sometimes x = something you can't even put your finger on, or something that you want but you can't make happen, or something that you want that isn't even good for you at the time. and in that case, what if x is your resolution or your expectation and it doesn't happen?

i guess where i'm going with this is that this year my resolution is to not have one. not that i don't want to grow, or do something cool, and not that i don't have things that i want to happen {i do, i do, and i do!}; i'm not so much talking about things that i can control, ways that i can improve and stuff that i need to work on; i'm talking about life. the stuff going on that only God can shift and change and do. i want to be absolutely, honestly, seriously content with where i am, and who i am, and what and who i have. i want to sit in it like an oversized beanbag chair and enjoy just being here instead of running around, up and down the stairs looking for things that aren't even in the house.

2012 might be easy. it might be hard. good or bad or weird or fun or short or long or whatever. but i'm sure i will be much more able to face whatever it is it's going to be if i don't have my heart set on what i think it should be.

they say not to wish your life away, maybe this is what they mean? "be where you are", "bloom where you're planted", etcetera.

anyway, happy new year and all that jazz, you know: may you run out into the wild 2012 with your arms flailing above you and your eyes wide open, happy to be on a good, level path if you've got one, but ready to hang-glide off a cliff if that's what's in front of you. or whatever. and stuff.