Friday, March 21, 2014

{these past two months took two seconds}


It's been two months since we met Sullivan for the first time. I think it's crazy that it's been that long. I think it's crazy that he ever wasn't here.

I remember the day we brought him home from the hospital, the sound of the key in the lock and how it seemed to echo into the empty house ahead of us. The clean floors and the neatly folded baby blankets. The waiting crib and inert rocking chair. Everything was there as we'd left it, but suddenly it felt like we were walking into someone else's home, in someone else's bodies, carrying someone else's kid.

I stood at the door and looked down at the tiny little person sleeping in his car seat. I pulled back the blanket and touched his wrinkly knees. I said, "Welcome home, baby," and then I cried and cried and cried because in all the years of waiting for him and dreaming about meeting him, I'd never gotten as far as picturing this moment.


It hit me, the sheer bigness of being his family.

I can't really describe the past 59 days very well. It's a blur of neon emotions. The two of us are often home alone, watching the days speed by from the couch or bed. I talk to him, sing to him, read to him. I haven't been to a show in ages; and leaving the house with him for an afternoon requires more preparation than I used to need to leave the country for a week. I've learned that I can't get too wrapped up in what I'd normally be doing or how fast I'd normally be doing it. This is a season outside of normal, and that's ok. I've learned to say "I get to" instead of "I have to", because the way you phrase your thoughts makes a big difference when it comes to diapers and ravenous baby appetites. I've learned how to survive on stupid amounts of sleep.

The weird thing is that sometimes, at three in the morning, I'm awake not because he needs me but because he's sleeping in my arms and I don't want to put him down. And I'm thinking, I'm so tired; this is ridiculous, I need to go to sleep... but I'm playing with his fingers and toes and watching his chest rise and fall and an hour will sneak by like that. He'll wake up and smile at me and there goes another thirty minutes.

I've learned that love is completely irrational sometimes.

14 comments:

  1. Two months?!?! Where did THAT go? You're beautiful, my friend. I love what you wrote and amen, amen, amen to the more preparation than leaving the country. That is so true! ;)

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    1. so crazy how fast it's disappeared...and i'm sure it's not going to slow down any time soon!

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  2. This was beautiful, and I can't wait to experience this. I can't believe it's been two months already, and if it's surprised me I can't imagine how fast it feels for you.

    It looks like he's taking a little selfie in that first photo.

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    1. i'm excited for you to experience it. nothin quite like it! kinda twilight-zone-y...

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  3. 1. He is perfect.
    2. I love his arm in the top photo--it looks like a selfie!
    3. I will forever love hearing your thoughts on motherhood, the way you appreciate it, soak it in. I mean, my ovaries are screaming at me reading this post. It is so, so special. What a lucky little boy to have been given to an amazing lady like YOU.

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    1. aw garsh, sarah. thank you thank you. :)

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  4. thank you for sharing that moment with us :)
    he's just so precious. also, i think he looks like you

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  5. Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww cutest family ever.

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    1. hahaha thank you for still reading my mom posts... ;)

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  6. What a beautiful little family you are!! So pleased that you got to this moment, and the many more lovely moments to come :)

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  7. Oh, you made me cry. But good tears. I'm so glad you are embracing the "outside of normal", or the "new normal", as I learned to call it. And I'm glad you can take those moments in the middle of the night. I didn't with my first baby, but I did with the second, and - when I'm not sleep-walking - I do it now too. :)

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    1. it's hard to always remember. today he;s a pretty unhappy baby and at first i felt pretty exasperated about the lack of work i was getting done. but now we're cuddled up in bed watching tv and it's pretty wonderful.

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