Wednesday, May 28, 2014

{four}

I'm writing this from a rocking chair at 2:30 AM. There's a crazy thunderstorm happening outside my window and I'm so tired my eyes are crossing. Sullivan, as always, is as hungry as a cow. 

Last week, he hit the four month mark like a bulldozer. He's solidly out of the newborn stage and growing into the clothes in the bag in the back of the closet that I almost honestly believed wouldn't fit him for years yet. He laughs when I kiss his nose and wants eye contact 24/7. He still cries a lot, but I guess some babies just cry a lot. He has a toy microphone that my friend Marcie made for him that he likes to hit himself in the face with. Luckily, it's crocheted and doesn't seem to hurt him. Then again, maybe that's why he cries a lot.

Last week also marked one year since we found out he was on his way.

I remember waking up about this time on May 24, 2013 and just knowing. Just like that. I had come to a place where I knew I'd never be able to fully give up on it, but the possibility of it ever actually happening seemed far off and unlikely, at best. I no longer really got my hopes up about it, and hadn't taken a pregnancy test in at least a year. 

But that night, my eyes popped open and I just...knew. I can't even pinpoint why. I laid there in the dark for three hours staring at the shadowy shapes around the room and thinking about all the change that was about to happen. I didn't wake Barclay up. 

I was like a sky diver sitting for a second before jumping. The view from the plane was amazing. I wanted to really take in how motherhood looked from this perspective one last time before it came rushing towards me. 

And here we are. And it's every bit as beautiful and terrifying as it looked from up there.

10 comments:

  1. Gahhhh that FACE. I can see both you and Barclay in his eyes. I'm so, so happy for you my friend. <3

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    1. aw, thanks caitlin!
      not long till we see yours.... AHH!

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  2. Yes. Babies cry.
    Actually? I remember Iris going through a really fussy phase back when we used to have our "board meetings." And you said this to me, that babies just cry sometimes. And it was like PROFOUND at the time. Something I really needed to hear. She was a baby. And babies cry. What a relief.

    I also love that you woke up KNOWING you were pregnant. That happened with me with Edi. I just sat up in the middle of the night and I knew. I know how special it must have been for you to have that secret, just like that, if only for a night. What a way to savor it, like Sullivan spoke from inside and said, "I'm here." I mean. Chills.

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    1. It's funny hey? I think until you live with a baby, you don't realize how MUCH they cry, so it feels pretty overwhelming at times, and like, "WHAT IS WRONG WITH MY BABY?". But "this too shall pass" and all that. :)

      And cool--I've never heard of that happening to anyone else! Such a crazy thing. It WAS so special. Definitely a night and a feeling I'll never forget.

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  3. "as hungry as a cow" ... but I thought the hutterites said you were the cow? Now I don't get it. haha

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    1. Oh boy, I do talk about cows a lot lately don't I? I've heard of that happening to bloggers who have babies. They have a kid and all of a sudden all they talk about is cows. So sorry.

      PS: Does this make me a moomy blogger?

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  4. You made a really cute kid, Good Job :D

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    1. haha well thanks! though i think he looks most like barclay, so i can't take too much credit... :)

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