Thursday, September 04, 2014

{more so}


It's raining, and Sullivan is sleeping. I should be sleeping too, since I haven't slept for more than an hour in a row at all this week, day or night. But it's raining, and Sullivan is sleeping. It's probably a bad decision--I am the queen of those--but I just want to sit here by this open window and enjoy this weather and this music and even this weird brain fog. It all fits together so nicely, it would be a shame to waste it.

Yesterday, I saw a yellow leaf, and all at once it felt like summer was over, even though it's technically not yet. I smiled to myself. Last time this year was when I actually started feeling--and looking--pregnant. I'd spent the summer feeling sick and not telling anyone why. Moving to a new house and making plans. Mostly feeling nervous and silly because my pregnancy felt like a joke I was playing on myself. There was no evidence that a baby would ever sleep in the room I'd picked to be his nursery or wear the tiny sailboat cardigan I'd found.

And then suddenly, there were yellow leaves on the ground and tiny little baby kicks like Pop Rocks in my belly and everything felt crazy real. I was excited and terrified and so, so thankful.

I'm still feeling all of those things a year later. Just more so.

I hate winter, but I love fall. I'm ready for more days like this, sitting in a fog by the window listening to music and thinking about the past and the present and the future and sometimes nothing at all. 

14 comments:

  1. I just cherish your perspective on motherhood. So, so much. It's like I feel all the excitement along with you--and even reliving it in stories like these!

    I never slept when the girls slept either. I took a sick pleasure in powering through I guess, and just enjoying the quiet when quiet finally did come. Beautiful words spring from your fog, so it seems like rather a GOOD decision for you.

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    1. You're sweet, Sarah. :) Thanks for sharing in my joy. (One of my favourite things about blogging!)

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  2. Sullivan is so CUTE! Also you have great hair. xox.

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    1. Oh garsh...thank you and thank you.

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  3. That baby is just the cutest! I am with you on the no sleep train! I read your Twitter post the other day about 8 - 45 minute naps and I laughed so hard! I am with ya!

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    1. Hahahaha. After you left yesterday, Julia said, "Well I always thought she was Super Mom so that's nice to hear that she doesn't sleep either!"

      Solidarity.

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  4. You two are the cutest people I've ever seen.

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  5. Hi Suzy! Just wanted to say I read one of your articles on coffee+crumbs a few weeks ago and have since proceeded to read all of your blog posts ever (I'm pretty sure). Sorry if that makes me a creep but I like your style and wanted to say thanks for sharing and keep it up! Also, you make cute babies :)

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    1. That makes me so happy! Not creepy at all. In fact, I'm going to go creep on you now...

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  6. I always love to think about where things were a year ago - especially little ones, because life is so wildly different from one month to another.

    Also, I share your complicated fall. If it weren't for the impending gloom of post-Christmas winter I could love fall more freely.

    And also *high five* on the no sleep. That's how we roll too...

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    1. high five back. oh, i missed and landed on the floor at your feet and, upon landing, fell asleep.

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