Friday, March 25, 2016


I haven’t blogged in a long time because I’ve been very, very busy. 

One of the things I’ve been busy with is wondering why, at the blisteringly ancient age of 28, I still don’t know how to do makeup on my face. I look around me and see that most of the women know how to do makeup. Even the women who are 12. This is humiliating to me. The only thing I can do is paint my lashes. 

I went so far one day as to decide that I would learn about it. I went to YouTube, because everyone on YouTube wears makeup. I asked it, the Youtube, “How to wear makeup.” I was presented with a video of a really beautiful girl with a perfect face, and I thought, “Great. Show me how to make my face look like that girl’s.” I pushed play.

The beautiful girl frowned into the camera, pointing out that she was not yet wearing makeup. Oh, I thought. I’d figured that this was the after face, but apparently she just looks like that. 

“Let’s get started,” said the beautiful girl.  

She put on some stuff, everywhere, and I thought, Yeah, that looks doable. I could do that for sure.

But then she put on some other stuff, and only in certain places. I was confused. “Brown stuff here and bronze stuff here and red stuff here and highlighting stuff here,” she said, more or less, drawing all over herself in streaks and triangles.  

“This brush is good for this makeup,” she said. 

Never use that brush for this technique,” she said. 

“This product is kind of expensive, something like $58 a bottle, but you shouldn’t need to buy it more than twice a week,” she said. 

“This tutorial is for when you’re in a hurry,” she added about 38 minutes in, “I’m just doing the basics.”

I blacked out for, like, an hour, and when I came to the girl looked perfect. No different than how she’d looked before, though. I have got to learn how to do that! I thought. 

I’ve since decided that I’ll probably just pretend like I have the option to do makeup or not and have actually chosen the latter. I don’t have the money, I don’t have the time, and, most importantly, I still don’t know how. Besides, what if I’m walking down the street one day and a bird flies into my face and gets stuck there? 

So, anyway, that’s why I didn’t blog that one night. More excuses forthcoming.