Friday, March 25, 2016

Makeup

I haven’t blogged in a long time because I’ve been very, very busy. 

One of the things I’ve been busy with is wondering why, at the blisteringly ancient age of 28, I still don’t know how to do makeup on my face. I look around me and see that most of the women know how to do makeup. Even the women who are 12. This is humiliating to me. The only thing I can do is paint my lashes. 

I went so far one day as to decide that I would learn about it. I went to YouTube, because everyone on YouTube wears makeup. I asked it, the Youtube, “How to wear makeup.” I was presented with a video of a really beautiful girl with a perfect face, and I thought, “Great. Show me how to make my face look like that girl’s.” I pushed play.

The beautiful girl frowned into the camera, pointing out that she was not yet wearing makeup. Oh, I thought. I’d figured that this was the after face, but apparently she just looks like that. 

“Let’s get started,” said the beautiful girl.  

She put on some stuff, everywhere, and I thought, Yeah, that looks doable. I could do that for sure.

But then she put on some other stuff, and only in certain places. I was confused. “Brown stuff here and bronze stuff here and red stuff here and highlighting stuff here,” she said, more or less, drawing all over herself in streaks and triangles.  

“This brush is good for this makeup,” she said. 

Never use that brush for this technique,” she said. 

“This product is kind of expensive, something like $58 a bottle, but you shouldn’t need to buy it more than twice a week,” she said. 

“This tutorial is for when you’re in a hurry,” she added about 38 minutes in, “I’m just doing the basics.”

I blacked out for, like, an hour, and when I came to the girl looked perfect. No different than how she’d looked before, though. I have got to learn how to do that! I thought. 

I’ve since decided that I’ll probably just pretend like I have the option to do makeup or not and have actually chosen the latter. I don’t have the money, I don’t have the time, and, most importantly, I still don’t know how. Besides, what if I’m walking down the street one day and a bird flies into my face and gets stuck there? 

So, anyway, that’s why I didn’t blog that one night. More excuses forthcoming. 

17 comments:

  1. Ha, I am also 28, and in exactly the same boat. You're not alone ;)

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  2. This is so funny and regarding make up, that's my sentiment exactly,I don't know how to wear make up either.

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  3. Makeup like that to me is such a waste of time/money ... nobody notices a difference AND it gives me acne, which then necessitates MORE makeup stuff and it turns into a whole tornado of beige viscous liquids and yucky itchy face powder. NOT WORTH IT

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  4. Oh my gosh. I feel the same way. I have these awful dark under eye circles that seem to have gotten SO much worse in the past year and I was finally like: ok, what i'm doing to try and cover these is just NOT working. So I went to youtube and watched SO many different videos, and -- did you know -- you're supposed to cover the dark circles with orange because it hides the shade? Apparently. So I tried out a couple new products and some new techniques and, well, my dark circles are covered better but I feel like I'm wearing so much makeup, which, doesn't doesn't fly with me... Alas... I don't know what to do..

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  5. Well HEY. At least four other people in my club. This is greatly relieving.
    Besides. Every time I see one of these commercials for concealer that are like, "Minimize the appearance of pores and redness!" I'm like, "WHY CAN'T I HAVE PORES AND REDNESS? BOYS DO AND NO ONE CARES. THIS IS MY FACE MY FACE HAS SKIN SKIN HAS PORES AND REDNESS SHUT UP."

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  6. I'm with you, too! I can't do it and I don't want to (except once a month when my hair goes haywire and I think, "Okay, there must be SOMETHING I can do to make myself look presentable...?"). I don't understand who has the time or the money for it all.

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    1. Seriously, this comment thread is making me feel lots better.

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  7. This is me! I actually got an eyeshadow tutorial at sephora the other day in preparation for a black-tie wedding coming up and having no legitimate idea of how to do it. It helped, but we'll see if I can replicate it.

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    1. A black tie wedding. I would be so intimidated - I have NO idea how to dress fancy. I had to dress fancy for a thing once and the whole time I felt like everyone was staring at me in disgust. They probably didn't even see me, but you know?

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  8. Suzy, if you truly don't wear makeup daily then you definitely don't need to, b/c you're beautiful! I have never once looked at you and thought, "She needs to wear makeup to cover up those pores and redness!" I, on the other hand, need to wear makeup b/c it is very obvious when I don't. Case in point: In Bible School one of my friends who never wore makeup, dared me, who always wears something, to go for a day without and she would go for a day with. Ugh. So I did. And one of my guy friends came up to me and said, "You look tired today. You doin' okay?" "Yup. Just not wearing makeup, thank you very much." So if you don't have to, embrace it and don't! We that do will live vicariously through you!

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    1. Hahahaha, but Jen, you probably notice that stuff way more than anyone. ALSO, you do your makeup very well and very naturally - I should just get you to teach me this stuff. I'm scared of looking like I'm wearing an orange mask.

      (I know how you feel though, because I never go anywhere without mascara. That is my one makeup item. Without it, my eyes actually disappear. Actually.)

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    2. I agree, Jen... I have never noticed your make-up, which is a sign you do it really well! I just assumed you're a fresh-faced beauty!

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  9. Oh Suzy, right there with you. I had the exact same realization the other week, went down the same YouTube rabbit hole, and I'm fairly certain all I gained were some extra brow-furrowing wrinkles.

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    1. Hahahaha yes. I got those wrinkles too.

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  10. Seriously! Make-up tutorials are terrifying! "Half-way Through a Make-up Tutorial on 'Contouring'" would make an excellent Halloween costume.

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    1. Can you please do that next year? I will laugh and laugh and laugh.

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  11. Hahaha I love this so much! I am so lost in the world of makeup. My makeup is some Burt's Bees chapstick, ha! Although I was bored recently and bought an eyebrow pen thinger? I have no idea how to use it, though. I always wonder when/if I will ever start to wear makeup... ha. I'm just so clueless. And lazy about it, ha.

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